I dream of paradise.

What the fuck. People are dicks. Yeah I had sex with him. It was a mistake. Ohkay?

I don’t even know what date it is.

Well. Uhmm. Tonight was great. At first. Lovely. Then BAM. Terrible. I wish you could have stayed longer. And I wish that he wouldn’t have made such a big deal out of everything. But it was cute.. when you sent me that. So cute. More sexy then cute I think though.. I just wonder… that status… is it about me..? Because.. I dunno. That would be bad. I want to think it was about him.

happy st. patricks day,

booze: check.

smokes: check.

gonna be a goood fucking day. 

also. 3rd day in a row of getting drunk.

winning.

I don’t think you understand how badly I need you.

3/2/12

well fuck. I have no idea. I have no fucking idea. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you. you are such a dick. you treat me like shit and don’t you know? I would swallow razor blades if that would make you smile. I feel like I am just running around in circles.. I don’t know what to do anymore. fuck everybody else. tonight was supposed to be just you and me. but no. that wasn’t going to happen. I just can’t deal with this anymore. I want to go days without seeing you or talking to you, just to see if you would give a shit and wonder where I went. I just want you to be straight with me. god damn it. just fucking tell me. tell me what you fucking want! why are you making me feel this way? why are you stringing me on? tonight fucking sucked. I try so hard to be what you want me to be.. but I have no idea what that is anymore. you know? every time we have sex, I’m too busy trying my hardest to make you happy that I don’t even enjoy it. I am just so focused on making you feel good. don’t you remember how happy we were? how much fun we had? why don’t you want that back? why? if I could, I would go back and fix myself because it was probably me. I probably did something. something to mess it all up. cause that’s how it is. it’s always like this. always. I just want to be happy. and you make me happy, but you say things.. you say things that just make me want to cry. tonight, when you were walking with her… I was so jealous. I wanted her to go away. I wanted you to walk with me. I wanted you to talk to me. not her. I just wanted you to notice me. I want to go back.. I want to go back to the summer. I want to so so bad. I would do anything because right now, I’m not happy. I was back then. we had a great time I thought. yeah sure, we had some bad times, horrible times, but I knew we would get through them. honestly… anyone in their right mind would have left you.. but not me. I was so blinded. and I still am. how pathetic is that? 

you fucking asshole.

don‘t you see how much I do for you? I use people, I manipulate people, I lie to people, so I can get what you want. I do so fucking much, but you don‘t see that, do you? I want you so much.. but you are too blinded to see anything and I hate you for that. but honestly.. I could never hate you.. I care too much. and I can‘t stand it. 

2/24/12

last night was so nice. it was like the old times. drink. get drunk. have lovely sex. I am so glad you came over. no, actually I am so glad that she left here and you had to come get it because I never see her. but enough about her. I was just so glad to be able to be close to you again. to make you happy. and I really hope I did. I know it probably didn’t mean that much to you.. but it meant the world to me. I know this is pathetic. and I hate letting myself get like this.. but.. I want you back so bad. I would do anything. anything at all. and I wonder if you know that.. I really hope.. that once school is over with.. and it’s summer again, we will be together again. I just want to make you happy. so happy. and doing that will make me happy. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. that’s why I let you come over and do what you want with me. because when we are that close.. I feel happy and it’s just like when we were together. I just can’t get all the fun times we had out of y head. camping, swimming in my bathtub, running around in the rain, making out under the bridge, everything. and those memories are getting fuzzy. and I don’t want to forget them, so I try my hardest to re live them every night in my head. I remember the first night we went camping, we weren’t dating at the time.. but we had to walk him home cause he was too drunk, so we left the other two in the tent. and when we dropped him off at home, and when to the school playground and just laid in the grass and kissed. I loved that. I loved that so much. and I think, I love you.. I hate saying that. because it makes me feel stupid and pathetic. I am so stupid and pathetic.

2/19/12

last night was bullshit. god. that was it. to person 1. you‘re just one big dick when you‘re drunk. yet.. sometimes you can be really nice to me. and like last time.. you protected me. to person 2. come out of my cave? really? fuck you. I would much rather be alone in my room then siting at MY kitchen table with you guys. to person 3. you are a bitch. you had no right to do what you did. bring her into everything. to person 4. I wasn‘t really fond of you before.. but now that I have met you I am really really really not fond of you. I don‘t know what he… god, fuck it. to person 5. I wish I could have talked to you more. you seemed really nice. good luck if you start dating person 2. good fucking luck with that. and finally.. person 6. you dumb fuck. can‘t you see how hard I‘m trying? fuck you. the only the reason why I got that bottle, was for us. I didn‘t plan drinking everyone up for free. so yeah fuck you, you asshole. hate how hard I fell for you. I gave you everything. 

so fuck last night.

2/17/12

I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate how pathetic I feel when I’m with you. You treat me like shit and I still have feelings for you? I feel so stupid, because deep down I know nothing will happen between us again… it’s just.. sad. I don’t know. I thought we were getting better back there.. but we weren’t. And now we’re like this. I miss you. Even though our relationship wasn’t healthy… it was quite shit actually. but in a weird weird way.. it was fun. You don’t know how badly I want us to work everything out. I want you back so much. So so much. I hate how vulnerable you made me. I feel like I pour my feelings out in my actions when I’m around you. And I feel like.. you just don’t care. But when you said you still had feelings for me back there… I believed it, and I still do. And that’s why I will continue to have these feelings for you. Because.. I don’t know. Maybe deep down… I really do know something will happen.

2/14/12

I ate so so so much today.. I am such a fatass.. I can‘t even restrain myself. I deserve to be fat. tomorrow will be better though. I am not eating one thing. nothing at all. just tea, water, coffee. that‘s it. and I won‘t cave. I will get to my goal weight. even if it kills me. happy fucking valentines day.